What I would love right now is just to tell the world at large to get fucked. A couple of people in particular who have been shitting me lately. Actually make that 3 people who have been shitting me for a while for various reasons. Tempting though it is it wouldn’t be very productive and would burn a couple of bridges and or lead to a degree of awkwardness so I can’t really, so I’ll just say it here “GET FUCKED YOU ANNOYING GODDAMN PAIN IN MY ARSE. I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHY I PUT UP WITH YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT. I DON’T NEED THE MOTHERFUCKING AGGRAVATION” There now doesn’t that feel better? Well not really but at least its pretty universal and so covers all 3 of them. Christ I wish I could have just one day where I can say whatever I want to people without having to deal with the consequences the next day. Its bullshit how frustrated one person can make you, but there you are. Perhaps if I re-word that statement slightly I might get away with it. And on top of that after spending all week last week out being a good little volunteer and helping my fellow man blah, blah, when I finally get some down time none of my friends want to know me! Well that and some are busy, one I have no idea about but thats another rant. I’ll just conclude with AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I’m pretty much done, if I could just pack up and leave I would. I’ve got that much on my mind right now that I can’t focus, we’re having a really hot week here right now (40+ degrees C, which is well over 100 degrees F) which means that 1 I can’t sleep because of the heat and 2 I’ve been really busy with the SES so I’m exhausted which I know isn’t helping, I keep worrying about money, or lack thereof, about the future and about anything little stupid thing that comes up. Its really frustrating because I know that worrying isn’t accomplishing anything and what little I can do about it isn’t enough. Ah fuck it, I just need to get drunk and pass out or something probably. Yeah this isn’t much of a post, like I said I’m pretty knackered.
Another one so soon you say? Yep, ‘cus I’m in a crap mood and need to vent. One of the things that drives me most up the wall is nights, because they almost always follow the same pattern, we have dinner, I feed the dog, take her outside, clean her bowls and then we watch DVDs until 10 when my mum goes to bed. Saving my getting called out to SES or me having other plans the only variation on this is me going to my room to play the computer or read. Unless of course I can’t stand the thought of yet another mind numbing night of routine and dullness. Like tonight. Tonight I wasn’t in a good mood to start with and the idea of doing this same thing was enough to make me want to scream. So instead I made some feeble excuse grabbed my tablet and went up to my old uni where I can access the wifi and fooled around on the internet for a while. On the way up there I picked up a pack of cigarettes which over the course of the next 6 or 7 hours I went through quite quickly. Even there I was bored so I went to the movies and saw The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (by the way its pretty good). It was while watching this movie about a guy whose life is so boring and uneventful (like mine feels at the moment) that he is forced to create these elaborate fantasy worlds where he can actually get his blood pumping that I realised I do the same thing. I spend so much time day dreaming and making up stories in my head these days that it makes me sad that a lot of them will probably never happen, and the ones that might are a long ways off. A couple of my more common fancies sound good in my head but I know they would go badly in real life *sigh*. I just want to be able to do something worthwhile, that I enjoy and preferably get paid to do it, or at least have something on the side to pay for it. Is that really so much to ask? Apparently. The way things are going now I am going stir crazy, if this is how things are a year from now I don’t know what I’ll do, but it will probably involve lots of other people’s blood (yes I’m kidding). Until next time cheery bye.
Well not literally but its as good a title as any right? Welcome back for any readers who read my last blog Living Your Life When The World Tries To Stop You, for those that didn’t don’t bother searching for it, I took it down months ago. Why? Because it reminded me too much of a time in my life that I don’t need shoved in my face. I’m back from a long absence to start a new blog. So a little about me, I’m 22, just finished university, I volunteer with the South Australia SES (State Emergency Service, for non-Aussies our name pretty much sums up what we do, google it if you’re really interested) and I’m currently doing what most new graduates do, looking for a job. But as any new grad will tell you it isn’t easy, everyone wants experience, how do you get experience? You need a job, how do you get a job? Experience. Yeah, its great. As a result of I have too much time on my hands, which in my case is not a good thing because it means I have too much time to listen to my inner demons to put a dramatic spin on things. I feel like I’m not doing anything with my life, like I’m just coasting along, my best friend is currently on holiday in South East Asia, another is about to move to Sydney to do youth work with the Salvation Army, another just got married, has a house, a job he enjoys and more dogs than any one person should. And me? I stay in bed for as long as possible because I know as soon as I get up I’m going to struggle to find anything to do. Yesterday my friend who is on holiday went on a tour through some tunnels used by the Viet Cong during the war and went to a shooting range, me? I sharpened some chainsaw blades at SES and killed a mosquito. Exciting stuff. I’m doing my best to improve my situation and stay positive but it isn’t easy, I can’t stop thinking what if this is it? How long until I find a job? Will it be one I enjoy? How long until I can have a meaningful relationship that I don’t fuck up? When will I be able to deal with the pain in my head from all the shit that keeps happening in my life? To be fair I’m a better place mentally and emotionally than I was a year ago but it is still a struggle, one that constantly saps my strength and will. So that concludes my first post on this new blog, I will try and have a more upbeat post for you next time loyal readers.