mental illness

Blood

A TV show I like has reminded me of something. Long story short I’m drunk and half way through both  my cigarettes and my jack daniels. Fuck this shit, life sucks I need another drink.

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Going Down

Fuck this hot weather, I can feel it draining me out, and with it my ability to not be a depressed misery guts. You would think that given I spent a good portion of my life living near some of Australia’s biggest deserts I could handle the heat, but you would be wrong. It saps my strength and leaves me tired and cranky, assuming I’m lucky. If I’m not then I get all that plus I can’t cope with life because I don’t have the will, so I end up a depressed and feeling like shit simply because I’m too tired from not sleeping from not sleeping for days on end and can’t handle any of it. I really need to move to Iceland or something. Anyone know where I can learn Icelandic? Because its as hot as Satan’s arse after a curry here.

Panic

So I’m back, I’ve been away for a few days hence the lack of posts. It’s been a very weird night, I was watching an old season of House on DVD and one of the scenes basically made me freak out. It made me think about something that, while I think about more than I should, for some reason made me panic (long story for another time). I’m not sure why, maybe I’m just having an overly sensitive night or something. But it really got to me to the point when I was actually relieved when the scene ended. Stuff like that almost never happens to me when I’m watching TV, its not like I especially cared about the character, he was just a random patient who I knew would be cured at the end of the episode. But afterwards I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and what it reminded me of to the point where I actually had to leave the house just to clear my head. It’s so frustrating, I can’t even watch a show without my mind messing with me. I haven’t been having the best of months which is probably why I’m having such a hard time sorting myself out right now but still, its stupid and I feel like a weak fool. Just when I’m having a good run things turn to hell. It is like I’m a gambler, I think I’m on a winning streak so I bet the lot and end up with nothing, or a (figurative) loan shark threatening to break my legs. I just need to escape my own head sometimes but it isn’t easy at the moment, actually its downright impossible right now. Even writing this to an audience who I don’t know I feel like an idiot. Seriously brain WTF?!