anxiety

Blood

A TV show I like has reminded me of something. Long story short I’m drunk and half way through both  my cigarettes and my jack daniels. Fuck this shit, life sucks I need another drink.

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Going Down

Fuck this hot weather, I can feel it draining me out, and with it my ability to not be a depressed misery guts. You would think that given I spent a good portion of my life living near some of Australia’s biggest deserts I could handle the heat, but you would be wrong. It saps my strength and leaves me tired and cranky, assuming I’m lucky. If I’m not then I get all that plus I can’t cope with life because I don’t have the will, so I end up a depressed and feeling like shit simply because I’m too tired from not sleeping from not sleeping for days on end and can’t handle any of it. I really need to move to Iceland or something. Anyone know where I can learn Icelandic? Because its as hot as Satan’s arse after a curry here.

Panic

So I’m back, I’ve been away for a few days hence the lack of posts. It’s been a very weird night, I was watching an old season of House on DVD and one of the scenes basically made me freak out. It made me think about something that, while I think about more than I should, for some reason made me panic (long story for another time). I’m not sure why, maybe I’m just having an overly sensitive night or something. But it really got to me to the point when I was actually relieved when the scene ended. Stuff like that almost never happens to me when I’m watching TV, its not like I especially cared about the character, he was just a random patient who I knew would be cured at the end of the episode. But afterwards I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and what it reminded me of to the point where I actually had to leave the house just to clear my head. It’s so frustrating, I can’t even watch a show without my mind messing with me. I haven’t been having the best of months which is probably why I’m having such a hard time sorting myself out right now but still, its stupid and I feel like a weak fool. Just when I’m having a good run things turn to hell. It is like I’m a gambler, I think I’m on a winning streak so I bet the lot and end up with nothing, or a (figurative) loan shark threatening to break my legs. I just need to escape my own head sometimes but it isn’t easy at the moment, actually its downright impossible right now. Even writing this to an audience who I don’t know I feel like an idiot. Seriously brain WTF?!

Caught By The Police

So I’m trapped by the police. They’ve got me. Its going to be tricky to get out of this one, *drum roll.* I am of course referring to my application to join the police (what did you think I meant?) because if I don’t get in it will be similar to being fucked while canoeing up Shit Creek without a paddle. Why is this? Well at university I did a bachelor of international studies, which would be good for getting me into a lot of government in defence, intelligence, foreign affairs etc. BUT our lovely new Prime Minister Tony ‘the 19th century was a good time’ Abbott is slashing public service jobs so those departments are not hiring. So the last option for employment that I actually 1. find appealing and 2. have a chance of getting is the police. But I’m still worried about it, the application process is very long which is mostly annoying but is good in one respect, I have more time to try and get myself fit. I’m not in horrible shape, but I’m probably not good enough to pass their tests. But I have been trying to do this for months and I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress, its really frustrating. But all I can do is keep my fingers crossed and keep trying to come up with a backup plan, I don’t like having all my eggs in one basket, I need options.

Money $$$ (or lack thereof)

One of the biggest gripes of life is money, or lack thereof. So here is mine. Despite the fact that I get $500 a fortnight in unemployment from Centrelink I can’t seem to save any of it. This is especially frustrating since in the past I managed to make $300 last a whole month back when I was forced to live off my mum and sister because I wasn’t eligible for any benefits and because I’m trying to save for a few days getaway with a friend of mine to Kangaroo Island with a friend of mine some time soonish (we haven’t organised a date yet). In the last two weeks I have spent a huge amount on petrol, phone bill, breakdown cover for my car, some gear for SES and most unimportantly, yet expensively, cigarettes (which I had thought I had given up) and alcohol. Two very expensive habits/hobbies in this country. I’ve been not doing so well lately and those two things help dull the pain, make me numb and take the edge off for a brief time. And money is one of the things I worry most about! Yet I still spend a stupid amount on things I don’t need to but make me feel better about feeling like shit if that makes sense. Basically I’m fucked. I need to find my self control again, but failing that win the lottery. Shit. 

Sinking

So I’m pretty much done, if I could just pack up and leave I would. I’ve got that much on my mind right now that I can’t focus, we’re having a really hot week here right now (40+ degrees C, which is well over 100 degrees F) which means that 1 I can’t sleep because of the heat and 2 I’ve been really busy with the SES so I’m exhausted which I know isn’t helping, I keep worrying about money, or lack thereof, about the future and about anything little stupid thing that comes up. Its really frustrating because I know that worrying isn’t accomplishing anything and what little I can do about it isn’t enough. Ah fuck it, I just need to get drunk and pass out or something probably. Yeah this isn’t much of a post, like I said I’m pretty knackered.

Night time (mis)adventures

Another one so soon you say? Yep, ‘cus I’m in a crap mood and need to vent. One of the things that drives me most up the wall is nights, because they almost always follow the same pattern, we have dinner, I feed the dog, take her outside, clean her bowls and then we watch DVDs until 10 when my mum goes to bed. Saving my getting called out to SES or me having other plans the only variation on this is me going to my room to play the computer or read. Unless of course I can’t stand the thought of yet another mind numbing night of routine and dullness. Like tonight. Tonight I wasn’t in a good mood to start with and the idea of doing this same thing was enough to make me want to scream. So instead I made some feeble excuse grabbed my tablet and went up to my old uni where I can access the wifi and fooled around on the internet for a while. On the way up there I picked up a pack of cigarettes which over the course of the next 6 or 7 hours I went through quite quickly. Even there I was bored so I went to the movies and saw The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (by the way its pretty good). It was while watching this movie about a guy whose life is so boring and uneventful (like mine feels at the moment) that he is forced to create these elaborate fantasy worlds where he can actually get his blood pumping that I realised I do the same thing. I spend so much time day dreaming and making up stories in my head these days that it makes me sad that a lot of them will probably never happen, and the ones that might are a long ways off. A couple of my more common fancies sound good in my head but I know they would go badly in real life *sigh*. I just want to be able to do something worthwhile, that I enjoy and preferably get paid to do it, or at least have something on the side to pay for it. Is that really so much to ask? Apparently. The way things are going now I am going stir crazy, if this is how things are a year from now I don’t know what I’ll do, but it will probably involve lots of other people’s blood (yes I’m kidding). Until next time cheery bye.

Day One

Well not literally but its as good a title as any right? Welcome back for any readers who read my last blog Living Your Life When The World Tries To Stop You, for those that didn’t don’t bother searching for it, I took it down months ago. Why? Because it reminded me too much of a time in my life that I don’t need shoved in my face. I’m back from a long absence to start a new blog. So a little about me, I’m 22, just finished university, I volunteer with the South Australia SES (State Emergency Service, for non-Aussies our name pretty much sums up what we do, google it if you’re really interested) and I’m currently doing what most new graduates do, looking for a job. But as any new grad will tell you it isn’t easy, everyone wants experience, how do you get experience? You need a job, how do you get a job? Experience. Yeah, its great. As a result of I have too much time on my hands, which in my case is not a good thing because it means I have too much time to listen to my inner demons to put a dramatic spin on things. I feel like I’m not doing anything with my life, like I’m just coasting along, my best friend is currently on holiday in South East Asia, another is about to move to Sydney to do youth work with the Salvation Army, another just got married, has a house, a job he enjoys and more dogs than any one person should. And me? I stay in bed for as long as possible because I know as soon as I get up I’m going to struggle to find anything to do. Yesterday my friend who is on holiday went on a tour through some tunnels used by the Viet Cong during the war and went to a shooting range, me? I sharpened some chainsaw blades at SES and killed a mosquito. Exciting stuff. I’m doing my best to improve my situation and stay positive but it isn’t easy, I can’t stop thinking what if this is it? How long until I find a job? Will it be one I enjoy? How long until I can have a meaningful relationship that I don’t fuck up? When will I be able to deal with the pain in my head from all the shit that keeps happening in my life? To be fair I’m a better place mentally and emotionally than I was a year ago but it is still a struggle, one that constantly saps my strength and will. So that concludes my first post on this new blog, I will try and have a more upbeat post for you next time loyal readers.