A TV show I like has reminded me of something. Long story short I’m drunk and half way through both my cigarettes and my jack daniels. Fuck this shit, life sucks I need another drink.
What I would love right now is just to tell the world at large to get fucked. A couple of people in particular who have been shitting me lately. Actually make that 3 people who have been shitting me for a while for various reasons. Tempting though it is it wouldn’t be very productive and would burn a couple of bridges and or lead to a degree of awkwardness so I can’t really, so I’ll just say it here “GET FUCKED YOU ANNOYING GODDAMN PAIN IN MY ARSE. I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHY I PUT UP WITH YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT. I DON’T NEED THE MOTHERFUCKING AGGRAVATION” There now doesn’t that feel better? Well not really but at least its pretty universal and so covers all 3 of them. Christ I wish I could have just one day where I can say whatever I want to people without having to deal with the consequences the next day. Its bullshit how frustrated one person can make you, but there you are. Perhaps if I re-word that statement slightly I might get away with it. And on top of that after spending all week last week out being a good little volunteer and helping my fellow man blah, blah, when I finally get some down time none of my friends want to know me! Well that and some are busy, one I have no idea about but thats another rant. I’ll just conclude with AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry I haven’t been posting for a while but I’ve been hugely, insanely busy. We’ve had a big storm and a string of disgustingly hot days here meaning I’ve busy with my volunteering with the State Emergency Service (SES). Tonnes of trees across roads, bringing down power lines, through roofs and a pergola which was lifted up by the wind and landed on the neighbours house! And then we loaded the water bombers for a big fire in the Adelaide Hills. In short I’m pretty fucked. I’ll have a proper post for you when I’m not knackered. Suffice to say I started on Monday, hit the wall on Wednesday, went through it on Thursday and now I’m well on the other side.
Fuck this hot weather, I can feel it draining me out, and with it my ability to not be a depressed misery guts. You would think that given I spent a good portion of my life living near some of Australia’s biggest deserts I could handle the heat, but you would be wrong. It saps my strength and leaves me tired and cranky, assuming I’m lucky. If I’m not then I get all that plus I can’t cope with life because I don’t have the will, so I end up a depressed and feeling like shit simply because I’m too tired from not sleeping from not sleeping for days on end and can’t handle any of it. I really need to move to Iceland or something. Anyone know where I can learn Icelandic? Because its as hot as Satan’s arse after a curry here.
So I’m back, I’ve been away for a few days hence the lack of posts. It’s been a very weird night, I was watching an old season of House on DVD and one of the scenes basically made me freak out. It made me think about something that, while I think about more than I should, for some reason made me panic (long story for another time). I’m not sure why, maybe I’m just having an overly sensitive night or something. But it really got to me to the point when I was actually relieved when the scene ended. Stuff like that almost never happens to me when I’m watching TV, its not like I especially cared about the character, he was just a random patient who I knew would be cured at the end of the episode. But afterwards I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and what it reminded me of to the point where I actually had to leave the house just to clear my head. It’s so frustrating, I can’t even watch a show without my mind messing with me. I haven’t been having the best of months which is probably why I’m having such a hard time sorting myself out right now but still, its stupid and I feel like a weak fool. Just when I’m having a good run things turn to hell. It is like I’m a gambler, I think I’m on a winning streak so I bet the lot and end up with nothing, or a (figurative) loan shark threatening to break my legs. I just need to escape my own head sometimes but it isn’t easy at the moment, actually its downright impossible right now. Even writing this to an audience who I don’t know I feel like an idiot. Seriously brain WTF?!
So I’m trapped by the police. They’ve got me. Its going to be tricky to get out of this one, *drum roll.* I am of course referring to my application to join the police (what did you think I meant?) because if I don’t get in it will be similar to being fucked while canoeing up Shit Creek without a paddle. Why is this? Well at university I did a bachelor of international studies, which would be good for getting me into a lot of government in defence, intelligence, foreign affairs etc. BUT our lovely new Prime Minister Tony ‘the 19th century was a good time’ Abbott is slashing public service jobs so those departments are not hiring. So the last option for employment that I actually 1. find appealing and 2. have a chance of getting is the police. But I’m still worried about it, the application process is very long which is mostly annoying but is good in one respect, I have more time to try and get myself fit. I’m not in horrible shape, but I’m probably not good enough to pass their tests. But I have been trying to do this for months and I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress, its really frustrating. But all I can do is keep my fingers crossed and keep trying to come up with a backup plan, I don’t like having all my eggs in one basket, I need options.
One of the biggest gripes of life is money, or lack thereof. So here is mine. Despite the fact that I get $500 a fortnight in unemployment from Centrelink I can’t seem to save any of it. This is especially frustrating since in the past I managed to make $300 last a whole month back when I was forced to live off my mum and sister because I wasn’t eligible for any benefits and because I’m trying to save for a few days getaway with a friend of mine to Kangaroo Island with a friend of mine some time soonish (we haven’t organised a date yet). In the last two weeks I have spent a huge amount on petrol, phone bill, breakdown cover for my car, some gear for SES and most unimportantly, yet expensively, cigarettes (which I had thought I had given up) and alcohol. Two very expensive habits/hobbies in this country. I’ve been not doing so well lately and those two things help dull the pain, make me numb and take the edge off for a brief time. And money is one of the things I worry most about! Yet I still spend a stupid amount on things I don’t need to but make me feel better about feeling like shit if that makes sense. Basically I’m fucked. I need to find my self control again, but failing that win the lottery. Shit.
So just to prove that not all my posts are doom and gloom I’m going to tell you an entertaining story. Well at least I find it entertaining, if you don’t then it’s your own fault for not being there. Anyway, as I’ve mentioned before I’m in the State Emergency Service and one of our most common jobs is tree on road, which we got last night at 1 in the morning. So I drag my butt up to the unit we get in the truck and drive up into the hills of Adelaide to battle our foe with the foliage. I think it was a combination of a full moon making everyone crazy and the fact that we were all at that point of sleep deprivation that everything became funny but it was the most entertaining drive I’ve been on in ages. On the way we nearly hit a were-kangaroo (because any animal you see at a full moon is obviously a were-whatever) and we laughed about that for a while because of course the Twilight jokes had started by then. Then our Unit Manager revealed he was a massive South Park fan after I inadvertently quoted a line from it when I said gingers get a freckle for every soul they steal (just some random thing I saw on the internet) and from there the conversation ranged from why one of our guys should get a cappuccino machine in his ute to glory holes and why we have one in our bathroom at the unit (not really but work with me here). Anyway it was a hilarious trip that made me feel 1000 times better. Oh and we chopped up the tree as well.
So I’m pretty much done, if I could just pack up and leave I would. I’ve got that much on my mind right now that I can’t focus, we’re having a really hot week here right now (40+ degrees C, which is well over 100 degrees F) which means that 1 I can’t sleep because of the heat and 2 I’ve been really busy with the SES so I’m exhausted which I know isn’t helping, I keep worrying about money, or lack thereof, about the future and about anything little stupid thing that comes up. Its really frustrating because I know that worrying isn’t accomplishing anything and what little I can do about it isn’t enough. Ah fuck it, I just need to get drunk and pass out or something probably. Yeah this isn’t much of a post, like I said I’m pretty knackered.
Another one so soon you say? Yep, ‘cus I’m in a crap mood and need to vent. One of the things that drives me most up the wall is nights, because they almost always follow the same pattern, we have dinner, I feed the dog, take her outside, clean her bowls and then we watch DVDs until 10 when my mum goes to bed. Saving my getting called out to SES or me having other plans the only variation on this is me going to my room to play the computer or read. Unless of course I can’t stand the thought of yet another mind numbing night of routine and dullness. Like tonight. Tonight I wasn’t in a good mood to start with and the idea of doing this same thing was enough to make me want to scream. So instead I made some feeble excuse grabbed my tablet and went up to my old uni where I can access the wifi and fooled around on the internet for a while. On the way up there I picked up a pack of cigarettes which over the course of the next 6 or 7 hours I went through quite quickly. Even there I was bored so I went to the movies and saw The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (by the way its pretty good). It was while watching this movie about a guy whose life is so boring and uneventful (like mine feels at the moment) that he is forced to create these elaborate fantasy worlds where he can actually get his blood pumping that I realised I do the same thing. I spend so much time day dreaming and making up stories in my head these days that it makes me sad that a lot of them will probably never happen, and the ones that might are a long ways off. A couple of my more common fancies sound good in my head but I know they would go badly in real life *sigh*. I just want to be able to do something worthwhile, that I enjoy and preferably get paid to do it, or at least have something on the side to pay for it. Is that really so much to ask? Apparently. The way things are going now I am going stir crazy, if this is how things are a year from now I don’t know what I’ll do, but it will probably involve lots of other people’s blood (yes I’m kidding). Until next time cheery bye.